in 7 years its going to be the 20s again so we can bring back swing music and the aesthetics of that era but keep modern values who’s with me

pssenger:

I want to grow up not because i hate my parents or want to get out of home but because i want the freedom to do tiny things like decided what furniture goes in my house and what colour the walls are and if i should go out at night rather than stay in doing work for once I want to decide what music to play in my own home while im cooking or cleaning and how loud it is. I want to experience the world without a barrier and to be able to express who i am through the little details.

I miss this so much.

I just finished (FINALLY) catching up on your blog. I can’t tell you how very helpful it was. I can’t wait to go to the temple and catch up with you tonight.

Readers, this wise friend of mine said the following (and I hope she doesn’t mind my sharing): “I think the hardest part about moving home is re-learning how to keep moving forward.” I don’t think I’ve read anything more accurate to how I’ve been feeling .

I moved home two weeks ago. It feels like two months ago. I feel so stuck and held down by responsibility and obligation, even though I have much less of both of those things than I had while at college. I feel so very STUCK. especially because I don’t have any plans to really go anywhere within the next year. Which kills me sometimes. Lots of times. Every day. I don’t know how to not mourn my independence.  Sure I’ve been driving more, getting out more, etc. but it’s different.

I went from my independence, my own life, my progress and forward momentum, and was thrust into a sinkhole. Filled with quicksand or something. There are so many more things here, so much more to do and so many more delicious restaurants; yet I’m miserable. I have to make this place a home all on my own. My mom’s sick, and literally lays in bed all day. I’m going to sound like a terrible, unsympathetic daughter, but I hate it. We talked about changing the feel and atmosphere of this place of residence, and it went well for the first day or two. She cleaned some, and it looked great! she was excited about it too. Then I left for the weekend. I’ve busted my butt ever since moving back, with the exception of like 2 relaxation days and the weekend I spent in Ephraim. My room looks so much more homey and personal. It’s become my solace - which is exactly what I want this entire place to become. Yet nothing more has been done by my mom.. I’ve been doing the dishes, cleaning out the bad food from the fridge, buying the groceries, running my sister around, the whole works.

I don’t mind giving for my mom. But there comes a point where it becomes ridiculous. I love her, but she’s driving me nuts. She’s the worst kind of roommate - she demands respect, takes advantage of my generosity (without necessarily meaning to), makes and leaves messes, gets offended at the smallest things; I don’t know what to do. It’s so HARD to come home and have to take care of the person who’s supposed to be taking care of you. I can’t do this all on my own, I can’t live for two people. But I can’t say anything because she gets offended at EVERYTHING. I feel so terrible for feeling so frustrated. 

Plus, this hasn’t been my home for a loooooong time. Ephraim became my home. This place hasn’t been any kind of home for ages, just a place to stay. Ephraim was my home. Jaxson is my home. And I’ve left all of that. And I’m not going back.. Part of me is still wishing it could work out for me to do pharmacy tech down there and live in the Tapps’ basement or something. Ha I miss my home. I’ve seriously been depressed lately, just not myself. Things are bringing me down. And I’m a pretty happy person, so it’s been quite the transition. I don’t know how to be happy and not brought down by circumstances while still bringing others up. I feel like it’s a sink or swim moment - I can’t help everyone.

I love my mother, but she’s bringing me down. I can’t take living with her. And I’m stuck here for a year.

I just function much better on my own. And I’m terrified of losing the person I’ve become. I dunno. Vent much?

Positives:

When Bubs came over, she said this place has changed a lot since I’ve been here. SUCCESS. Appearance-wise there hasn’t been that much, so I know it has to be the atmosphere, etc. Which is what I’m shooting for.

Bubs is here. And loves me. And will talk with me! I LOVE MY SIBLINGS.

I have a job. I’m going to be making money to replace all that I’ve spent. 

I may be able to get hired on at a pharmacy and trained on site!! I need to look into it more, but I’ve heard some places do that. (:

Things can only get better, right?